Haunted Memories

 

I’ve always had a great memory. Ever since I was a kid, my parents would be flabbergasted at what random details I would remember from an experience. Of course, it is completely out of my control what my brain would retain, and it has been too inconsistent to be reliable. Even as I’ve gotten older, the ability has kept up with me for the most part. I will remember specific events or experiences in flashes, which is normal, but I can see them in my head and nearly relive them. This is how I remember basically everything, including words. If I’ve seen the word, I can probably spell it. It’s not photographic or eidetic memory, not even close. It’s closer to heightened explicit long-term memory, which is the scientific term. If something happened to me or around me, there’s a high chance something from it will stick with me for the rest of my life. It’s not always helpful details when recalling a memory, but it is more than an average person can do.

 

As I’ve aged (I’m 32, to put that in perspective), I’ve noticed people my age losing their long term memories gradually. This is normal of course, and I’ve noticed it in myself as well, just on a much smaller scale. Part of this revelation for me is partly due to many people in my life having below average memories. I find myself listening to the same stories I’ve heard before, sometimes even more than twice. I bring up memories to someone, even ones that I hold near and dear to our relationship (friends, parents, siblings, girlfriend), only to find they completely forgot or had to get pushed along to finally recall. It didn’t used to bother me all that much, and was more a nuisance. But the older I get and the more often it happens, the more I get frustrated and hurt by it. Especially when the memories are relationship-defining ones, that contribute to my love or companionship towards them. I often wonder if it has been the reason for certain relationships failing or diminishing: because they just don’t remember everything we went through and experienced together.

 

I’ve noticed traumatic events and emotional distress affecting my own ability to recall certain times of my life. My traumatic events can mostly be boiled down to breakups that greatly affected me emotionally. I have lost portions of memories from those relationships as part of my brain’s efforts to protect and shield me from myself. They’re most likely just repressed, because sometimes I’ll get them back. But it’s definitely a fascinating phenomenon that the human brain does to cope with trauma. If the memories aren’t there, they can’t hurt you as bad, right? The hardest part of having a good memory is breakups are all that much harder to get over when you can recall the memories to vividly, especially when so many things can remind you of them.

 

I also have very vivid dreams, which I think has a huge affect on my mental health, and is a similar “problem” to having a good memory. I will dream of people from my past so vividly, it’s like I’m living them. Waking up from them genuinely causes me to have to lay and slowly come back into reality and allow my mind to refocus on what is real versus what isn’t. I would say nearly 95% of my dreams are about an ex-girlfriend or prospective girlfriends. Coming back down from those dreams is incredibly difficult, because they’re always happy and amazing dreams. Some are re-lived memories and some are new. It is most likely a result of attempting to repress them throughout the day, only to have them completely be drawn out into the light when I’m unconscious. It’s maddening, because it often feels like I am regressing in my efforts to move on from anyone in my past that didn’t decide to be part of my life for one reason or another. I obviously miss them incredibly. In a way, it almost feels more like hauntings than memories. If they’re always in my head, it’s as if they’re haunting me.

 

Often I will get told I should be grateful I have a good memory, and most of the time I am. But I find it to be both a blessing and a curse, especially when you feel things so strongly too (which could be a contributor towards that too). If you remember everything, the ones that hurt you end up making themselves at home in your head instead of allowing you to fully move on in a healthy way. Though I cherish the good memories deeply, I wish they weren’t always so easily accessed. It’s like the photo album of my life has every page ready to go at any slight hint at something that could remind me of a person, place, event, situation, etc. I relive it in a matter of a second or two and then I’m ready for the next one. It can be exhausting.